By Ryan L. Munro

 

Divorce is rarely just about legal documents and court dates—it’s also about emotions, history, and, often, hurt feelings.  Words can become weapons even during the most basic attempts to communicate and conversations can spiral out of control faster than either spouse intends. Frequently I advise new clients on ways  to communicate that encourages them to take emotion out of the contact.   Sometimes, however, the most powerful tool you have in your communication arsenal isn’t a clever comeback or a perfectly crafted rebuttal. . . It’s silence.

 

Why Not Responding Works

When tensions are high, every text, email, or spoken word can add fuel to an already burning fire. Choosing not to respond—especially in the moment—doesn’t mean you’re ignoring the situation. It means you’re controlling your contribution to it.

 

Silence can:

• Prevent escalation: If you don’t add more words, the conflict can’t grow from your side, and what you don't say is more difficult to read back to you in court.
• Allow emotions to cool: Time and space can help both parties return to the conversation with a clearer head.
• Protect your legal position: Responding impulsively can create written or recorded statements that may later be used in court, and cause more work for your lawyer to defend you against or add context to later.  Remember "Lawer Work = Lawyer Fees."

 

The Power of the Pause

The pause is where silence becomes strategy. Before you type, text, or speak:

 

• Take a Breath. A slow inhale and exhale can interrupt your fight-or-flight reflex.

• Ask yourself: “Will responding help resolve the issue—or make things worse?”

• Decide if a delay is wiser. Many messages don’t require an immediate reply, even if they feel urgent.

 

If you must respond later, do it after the emotions have cooled, and focus on the practical, not the personal.

 

Tools to Help You Stay Silent

If you find it hard not to engage in the moment, technology can help:

• Co-parenting communication apps can slow the pace of exchanges and keep a record.
• Drafts folder discipline: Write your response, but leave it in drafts for 12-24 hours before sending—often you’ll decide it’s not worth sending at all.
• Notifications off: If you can’t resist checking, turn off alerts from your ex during key parts of your day.

 

Silence is Not Surrender

Choosing not to respond doesn’t mean you’re giving in or letting false statements stand unchallenged forever. It means you’re not letting someone else dictate your emotional state. You’re reserving your energy for only issues that are required to be discussed, rather than indulging in endless, impulsive skirmishes.

 

When to Break the Silence

Of course, there are times when you must communicate.  When it comes to emergencies involving children’s health or safety, and custody-related items regarding children, silence is not a realistic option.   In these cases, consider using the 12/24 rule on any communication that cannot be answered with 1-2 words.   For Example, "I am running late." or "Do you have her soccer uniform?" can be answered with a word -- "Ok" or "yes" or "No."    For all other communications, do not reply for at least 12 hours but reply before 24 hours goes by.   Even if you reply that you need more time to answer, acknowledging that you received the communication and are attempting to gather information to reply will keep things from escalating because you ignored an important communication.  When you do finally reply, keep it brief, neutral, and focused. Avoid slang, text abbreviations, commentary, judgment, or sarcasm—stick to the facts.

 

Divorce can make every word feel loaded, but you can control your own participation in the drama. When you say nothing, you give yourself the space to breathe, think, and protect your peace.   Sometimes, the best thing to do, is not say anything.